SECTION THREE
PEOPLE AND PEOPLE
 
 
13. THE PARTNER
(A good spouse)
 
  To be partners in life, good spouses should not only have pleasant sensual attributes, but also possess the qualities and observe the principles of conduct listed below:

A. The compatible couple : there are principles for partners in life to ensure their compatibility, providing a firm foundation for a long married life, called the four qualities for a good match (samajivi-dhamma):

        1. Sama-saddha: having compatible faith; they uphold the same religion, revere the same objects of worship, concepts, beliefs or principles, and share the same lines of interest-they are equally firm in all these or can reach agreement on them.
        2. Sama-sila: having compatible morality; they have conduct, morality, ethics, manners and upbringing which are harmonious or compatible.
        3. Sama-caga: having compatible generosity; they are in accord, not conflict, with each other in their generosity, hospitality, munificence, sacrifice, and readiness to help others.
        4. Sama-panna: having compatible intelligence; they are sensible and can understand each other; they can at least reason with each other.

(A.II.60)
 
B. Sweet couples and bitter couples : or "blessed couples and doomed couples," are partners who have qualities, tendencies, conduct and responses to each other that make their lives either, on the positive side, mutually supportive or compatible, or, on the negative side, barely endurable or downright miserable. In this regard, there is the teaching on the seven kinds of wives, as follows:
        1. Vadhaka-bhariya: the murderous wife; a wife who does not live happily with her husband, who disparages him and thinks of destroying him.
        2. Cori-bhariya: the thieving wife; a wife who squanders all her husband's wealth.
        3. Ayya-bhariya: the domineering wife; a wife who is lazy and doesn't attend to her duties; she is foul-mouthed and vulgar, and likes to dominate her husband.
        4. Mata-bhariya: the motherly wife; a wife who looks to her husband's well-being and attends to his needs, taking care of the money that he acquires and seeing that it is not squandered.
        5. Bhagini-bhariya: the sisterly wife; a wife who respects and loves her husband as a younger sister loves her brother; she is gentle and deferential, and tends to agree with her husband.
        6. Sakhi-bhariya: the comradely wife; a wife who is like a friend, loyal to her husband; when she greets her husband she is happy; she deports and conducts herself well; she has fine manners and is a friend who readily shares her husband's thoughts and feelings.
        7. Dasi-bhariya: the servile wife; a wife who lives under her husband's thumb, and who passively endures his beatings and abuse.
(A.IV.91)
 
         According to the teachings, a wife should look at herself and ask herself what kind of wife she is now and what kind of wife she should be. For a man, this teaching might be used as a principle for exploring his own character to see which kind of wife he is most suited to, and to examine a potential partner to see whether or not she is suited to him.        There are also many different kinds of husbands, in regard to which a parallel can be drawn to the seven kinds of wives.
 
C. The couple sharing in goodness  : the four principles for leading the household life (gharavasa-dhamma*) can be used by a couple in the following ways:
        1.  Sacca: truthfulness; being truthful and faithful to each other in thoughts, speech and deeds.
        2. Dama: training; exercising restraint, training themselves to correct faults, resolve differences, adapt to each other and improve themselves.
        3.  Khanti: patience; being firm, stable and patient; not reacting impulsively to each other's affronts; enduring difficulties and hardships and overcoming obstacles together.
        4. Caga: sacrifice; being thoughtful, able to give up personal comfort for the sake of one's partner by, for example, foregoing sleep in order to nurse him or her in sickness; also being kind and generous, not uncharitable, to the relatives and friends of one's partner.
(S.I.215)
 
D. The couple sharing responsibility : help and serve each other according to the teachings given on the rearward of the six directions** as follows: A husband serves his wife by:
1. Honoring her in accordance with her status as his wife.
2. Not disparaging her.
3. Not committing adultery.
4. Giving her control of household concerns.
5. Giving her occasional gifts of ornaments and clothing.         A wife honors her husband by:
        1. Keeping the household tidy.
        2. Being helpful to the relations and friends of both sides of the family.
        3. Not committing adultery.
        4. Safeguarding any wealth that has been acquired.
        5. Being diligent in all her work.
(D.III.192)
 
E. A sympathetic husband : There are a number of conditions peculiar to a woman about which a husband should be considerate and to which he should respond with care and sympathy. They are:
        1. She must be parted from her kin despite her young age to live with her husband's family: the husband should make her feel at home.
        2. She has a monthly period, which sometimes causes vacillations in her physical and mental states: the husband needs to understand this.
        3. She may be with child, at which times she needs special care and attention, both physical and mental.
        4. She may give birth, which is an extremely painful and even life-threatening time: the husband should look after his wife as if her suffering were his own.
        5. She must submit to the wants of her husband: the husband should not do just as he pleases, but appreciate her attention and respond to it thoughtfully.
 
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